My Gambling Paradox

I have come to the conclusion that there are some things in life, that I can mentally "understand" , but still not really fully comprehend. My addiction to gambling is one of these things.

The proven fact is that I have a gambling problem. Why is this so? Because I have repeatedly demonstrated very little, if any control when gambling. I can go into a gambling place, knowing that the odds are overwhelmingly against me. Knowing that in all likelihood I will walk out having lost most or all the money. I understand that gambling is irrational. But in the past I have done it anyway. The price tag being many thousands of dollars. Why?

Herein lies what I describe as my gambling paradox.

One definition of a paradox is- a person, situation or thing that demonstrates apparently contradictory behavior or nature.

I consider myself a reasonably rational (when not drinking) intelligent, educated person. I have earned a BS in law and psychology, and a Masters Degree in the Science of Management. So......why did I persist in such ridiculous behavior??

I do believe that neurological and chemical processes of the brain have something to do with it. Meaning that science is showing how drugs, alcohol and even gambling can release the "feel good" chemicals in our brains.

But I hesitate to attribute my problem to only brain chemistry, genetics or any other external factor, because I know that my willful behavior is a major component. I make a conscious choice to gamble or not to gamble.

So if I know its irrational to gamble, but I do it anyway. And neither my brain, society, or any other external factors are making me do it, then what is going on?

After some extensive soul searching, I finally accepted the truth that....at the very core of my ego-I absolutely hate to lose!!...Not only do I hate to lose......I have an extremely strong, if haphazard tendency to defy or try to beat the odds. In short, in this area of my humanness, I am sorely stubborn and hard headed.

I want my money back! I am resistant to accept the loss. Of course the money is gone forever and the truth is that I will never get it back. Especially with more futile attempts to beat a man made system designed to take far more than it puts out. But somewhere in the back of my human tendency, I still to this day want to "beat the odds"

So..... it is my hard headed psychological tendency to beats the odds, even when it is obviously irrational vs the rational reality of gambling systems.

Well, it is obvious which one actually won.

To my credit, I have gone through counseling and have for some time now accepted the reality of my gambling problem and have resolved that as with my drinking problem, my only solution is total abstinence.

But, I must admit this was very difficult to accept. Again it goes to the core beliefs that I held internally. False beliefs, misguided beliefs, foolish beliefs. But functioning internal core beliefs about gambling, that I had to examine and debunk (so to speak). I will talk more about these later........

So I accept this, as one of many paradox's that I can't really explain and just accept it for what it is. After all, what else can I do??

follow my ongoing journey at

http://leanandsober.com/

If you know someone who lives in Oregon and needs help with gambling the hotline is

1-877-695-4648 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-695-4648 end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-877-695-4648 end_of_the_skype_highlighting (MY-LIMIT)

http://www.1877mylimit.org

or outside of Oregon

The National Counsel on Problem Gambling-hotline- 1-800-522-4700 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-800-522-4700 end_of_the_skype_highlighting begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 1-800-522-4700 end_of_the_skype_highlighting

Have a wonderful day and best wishes

James Scott Murphy