Why I Denied My Alcoholism For So Long? (Challenging Core Beleifs)

I was so afraid to admit that I am an alcoholic. Why? Why should it be so hard to admit something that was so obvious? My father told me more than once that everyone in the family knew I had a drinking problem except for me. The truth is, for many years of my life, I knew my drinking was a problem. The strength of my denial was rooted in my unwillingness to accept thewhole truth about my alcoholism or face the seriousness of my problem. Facing my alcoholism meant looking inside. In some ways I was afraid of what I might find. Alcohol was a crucial part of my daily practice of avoiding and hiding from life. I used alcohol to help shore up the wall that I maintained between myself, my perceived suffering and those things in life I considered a threat. In some ways the denial of my drinking problem was a denial of my emotions. Taking away the alcohol and looking inside, meant facing those emotions. I was afraid of what those emotions might reveal, so I continued to use alcohol as a means of trying to suppress or cloak my emotions. Fear of the truth inside me and fear of giving up my defense mechanism drove my denial. When I finally began to stand up for myself, I found the courage to look within. I practiced paying attention to and acknowledging my feelings. I began a process of accepting my emotions, rather than denying them. The more I opened my mind to the possibility of change, the more I realized that it was ok to have certain feelings and honor those feelings, rather than trying to suppress or ignore them. I began to peel back layers and bring to the surface core beliefs, that I had held on to for much of my life. What I discovered is that many of these core beliefs were totally false or only partially true and were not serving me well. One of the core beliefs that I identified in myself, was that being an alcoholic meant that I was a bad person. I decided to challenge this belief. In order to challenge this false belief, I had to change my perception of what it meant to be sober. In the midst of my alcoholism, I viewed the need for sobriety as an admission of failure. If I admitted that I could never drink again, I would be admitting that I could not maintain self control. Becoming sober represented failure to me. Failure to control my drinking, meant I was a weak or bad person. If I quit drinking, I would also be giving away what I perceived as a necessary method of defending or protecting myself. Sobriety meant taking away something that I considered very necessary in my life. I had to change my mindset about what sobriety meant for me.

I began to think in terms of sobriety as a positive thing in my life. I began to visualize what it would be like to be completely sober. In some ways it was scary. It was frightening to think that I would not be able to turn to alcohol in time of perceived need. But the more I thought about it, the more positive things I could see coming from a life of sobriety. As more time passed without drinking, I began to feel the positive physical and psychological results of not drinking. This in turn reinforced my developing perception about sobriety. "Maybe it really is ok to be sober". Not only is it ok, it is much better than being drunk daily. I began to experience the freedom that comes with sobriety. With every moment of chosen sobriety, I reinforced the idea and reality of sobriety in my life. My thinking, my perception and my definition of sobriety evolved into something positive in my life. The absence of alcohol no longer seemed like such a threatening place to be. My confidence in facing life sober began to build. As my confidence got stronger, so did my mind and my emotions. My brain began to heal and recover. My body began to heal and recover. As I embraced sobriety, sobriety graced me with rewards for my committed choice.

Yours in Sobriety

James "Scott" Murphy

http://leanandsober.com/